Pride.

I don't want help.
I don't need help.
I just want to do everything on my own, with no help from anyone or anything.
Pride.
One of the seven deadly sins, I think?
My friend and I were talking about how we wish we could goof off and not do work, like so many kids we know, and not care about what people think.
I realize this is me now, because of my pride.
I refuse help, even if Im getting an F in a class.
I am so freakimg stubborn, if someone tells me to do something, I will not do it because they expect me to, because they want me to. I hate doing what people tell me to do, like work, like eating.
Most of the time I wont eat because people tell me to. But I love when people tell me to eat because it makes me feel loved, cared about.
Im very stubborn and so full of pride.
I cant help it... I cant control it, cant stop it, cant change it... And that's what scares me.

Just done

I am just done at this point. So fucking done. I don't give a flying shit about anything any more. I'm tired of everything, and nothing makes me happy.
I'm ignored at school; I have no friends. I'm tired of being expected to do everything so amazing and good. I'm tired of being tall. I want to be short, so very short. I don't fucking care if I'm going to love being tall when I'm an adult. Right now, it practically fucking ruins my life. All everyone says to me now is:
"Why are you so tall?"
"Do you play basketball?"
"You should be a model!"
How can I amount to anything if I'm daily going to be judged by my height? I want to be a dancer: dancers are short. I hate basketball: only career for tall people besides modeling. Modeling: I dont want to be judged on the little bit of stomach I have, and be bullied into not eating.
Speaking of not eating: you don't know how fucking insecure I am. That's why I wear make-up, and still, I feel ugly. I'll never, ever believe anyone who says I'm beautiful. I'll say thank you and blush, but really, I don't believr you. Especially when one person is calling two girls next to me beautiful, and then that person turns to me and says, "you're beautiful, too."
Well, thanks. Self confidence is just through the roof at this point.
One of my so called friends constantly puts me down, tells me I'm an idiot. Calls me stupid. Doesn't even fucking like me, or care that I'm always alone.
I grew up alone. I grew up feeling stupid. I grew up having no one who truly understood how I felt- feel. I'm growing up alone. I don't have an older sister to tell me secrets, to help me with boys and clothes. My own brother ignores me, we only talk if I answer the phone when he's calling, which doesn't happen very often. You don't know how many times I've cried alone, waiting for someone to hold me. Some people will say that they don't want to be the person who doesn't like being alone, they don't want to be the person who constantly needs someone there. Well I'm that person, whether anyone cares or not, which they don't.
If someone does hold me while I'm crying, it's always awkward for both of us. No one knows how I feel, therefore they shouldnt be hugging me.
The only time I've felt truly understood, was when my grandmother died. My boyfriend was right there, hugging me tightly, and I knew he had felt the exact same thing I was feeling, so it worked, he made me feel better. He's the only one I've ever talked to who hates two faced people, and knows people who are like that, and we make fun of behind their back. He makes me feel better, knowing I have someone who cares so deeply for me, and loves me for who I am, not who I should be.
But... I'm just done with people telling me who I should be. If I know I'm not good in geometry, why make me take it? If I fail this year, and im a pretty smart kid, that means geometry isnt my thing. My school goes so fast, there's no time for extra explaining. Everything comes back to my fucking stupid school.
My phone is fucking stupid. Almost everytime I try to make a space, it does . instead. I hate my freaking phone that I have to pay for. I hate parts of my life I know I can never change.
There are people out there who are less fortunate than I, and I don't seem to care.
It's times like these,
There are those theives
Which take away good feelings.
They steal my happiness
Give me pain
And drown me in puckets of sorrow.

Im really tired...

Just realized

If Avery hadnt done that little thing, we'd still be together.
Why hadn't I seen that she's been a bitch all along?

Im with you-Avril Lavigne

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
I'm tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
Hmm hmm hmm

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
I try to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
Yea yea

Oh, why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea eee yeah, yea eee yeah
Yea yee yea, yea eee yeah,yeah

It's a damn cold night
Tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yea
I'm with you, yea

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yea
I'm with you, yea

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, oh
I'm with you
I'm with you


This song describes exactly how im feeling right now



(edit: there were repeated words... whatever site i took it from was crap. So i fixed it!! :D)

10/22/11

The guy I like asked me out...
:)

It just melted again...

U told me to call you
U said im the best
U let me listen to ur problems
My heart just...
Keeps...
Melting...
<3

Heartbreaking

My crush likes my best friend.
Im... Pretty much in love with my crush.
She doesn't like him...
He doesn't get it.
I text him about anything to get us talking.
I told him to look up the definition of a word, and he connected it back to my best friend.
He breaks my heart every time he mentions her,
But every time I see his name, my heart melts,
Everytime he play fully says "i love you" and even little things like "thanks for being there," stitch my heart back up again.
I dont care if you tell me tomorrow that he never even cared about me.
Just let me have this moment... Just this moment...
Of continuas heartbreak.