Im not like other girls

1. I wear uggs because they warm and comfortable, not because they're really expensive and everyone has them.
2. I'm a vegetarian because I hate the taste of meat, not because I want to lose weight or because I feel guilty for eating a hamburger.
3. I don't like talking about feelings because theyre my feelings and I feel like I'm the only one who should know what I feel about stuff.
4. Unlike a lot of girls, I won't hug someone I just saw 30 seconds ago, say I love them and miss them every time I see them (I get so pissed off at this.).
5. I wear makeup to feel confident not because "it makes me look tan" or "ew, I have 1 zit, I think I'll use this whole bottle of foundation."

to be continued...
(when I'm less tired)

Pride.

I don't want help.
I don't need help.
I just want to do everything on my own, with no help from anyone or anything.
Pride.
One of the seven deadly sins, I think?
My friend and I were talking about how we wish we could goof off and not do work, like so many kids we know, and not care about what people think.
I realize this is me now, because of my pride.
I refuse help, even if Im getting an F in a class.
I am so freakimg stubborn, if someone tells me to do something, I will not do it because they expect me to, because they want me to. I hate doing what people tell me to do, like work, like eating.
Most of the time I wont eat because people tell me to. But I love when people tell me to eat because it makes me feel loved, cared about.
Im very stubborn and so full of pride.
I cant help it... I cant control it, cant stop it, cant change it... And that's what scares me.

Just done

I am just done at this point. So fucking done. I don't give a flying shit about anything any more. I'm tired of everything, and nothing makes me happy.
I'm ignored at school; I have no friends. I'm tired of being expected to do everything so amazing and good. I'm tired of being tall. I want to be short, so very short. I don't fucking care if I'm going to love being tall when I'm an adult. Right now, it practically fucking ruins my life. All everyone says to me now is:
"Why are you so tall?"
"Do you play basketball?"
"You should be a model!"
How can I amount to anything if I'm daily going to be judged by my height? I want to be a dancer: dancers are short. I hate basketball: only career for tall people besides modeling. Modeling: I dont want to be judged on the little bit of stomach I have, and be bullied into not eating.
Speaking of not eating: you don't know how fucking insecure I am. That's why I wear make-up, and still, I feel ugly. I'll never, ever believe anyone who says I'm beautiful. I'll say thank you and blush, but really, I don't believr you. Especially when one person is calling two girls next to me beautiful, and then that person turns to me and says, "you're beautiful, too."
Well, thanks. Self confidence is just through the roof at this point.
One of my so called friends constantly puts me down, tells me I'm an idiot. Calls me stupid. Doesn't even fucking like me, or care that I'm always alone.
I grew up alone. I grew up feeling stupid. I grew up having no one who truly understood how I felt- feel. I'm growing up alone. I don't have an older sister to tell me secrets, to help me with boys and clothes. My own brother ignores me, we only talk if I answer the phone when he's calling, which doesn't happen very often. You don't know how many times I've cried alone, waiting for someone to hold me. Some people will say that they don't want to be the person who doesn't like being alone, they don't want to be the person who constantly needs someone there. Well I'm that person, whether anyone cares or not, which they don't.
If someone does hold me while I'm crying, it's always awkward for both of us. No one knows how I feel, therefore they shouldnt be hugging me.
The only time I've felt truly understood, was when my grandmother died. My boyfriend was right there, hugging me tightly, and I knew he had felt the exact same thing I was feeling, so it worked, he made me feel better. He's the only one I've ever talked to who hates two faced people, and knows people who are like that, and we make fun of behind their back. He makes me feel better, knowing I have someone who cares so deeply for me, and loves me for who I am, not who I should be.
But... I'm just done with people telling me who I should be. If I know I'm not good in geometry, why make me take it? If I fail this year, and im a pretty smart kid, that means geometry isnt my thing. My school goes so fast, there's no time for extra explaining. Everything comes back to my fucking stupid school.
My phone is fucking stupid. Almost everytime I try to make a space, it does . instead. I hate my freaking phone that I have to pay for. I hate parts of my life I know I can never change.
There are people out there who are less fortunate than I, and I don't seem to care.
It's times like these,
There are those theives
Which take away good feelings.
They steal my happiness
Give me pain
And drown me in puckets of sorrow.

Im really tired...

Just realized

If Avery hadnt done that little thing, we'd still be together.
Why hadn't I seen that she's been a bitch all along?

Im with you-Avril Lavigne

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
I'm tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
Hmm hmm hmm

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
I try to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
Yea yea

Oh, why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea eee yeah, yea eee yeah
Yea yee yea, yea eee yeah,yeah

It's a damn cold night
Tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yea
I'm with you, yea

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yea
I'm with you, yea

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, oh
I'm with you
I'm with you


This song describes exactly how im feeling right now



(edit: there were repeated words... whatever site i took it from was crap. So i fixed it!! :D)

10/22/11

The guy I like asked me out...
:)

It just melted again...

U told me to call you
U said im the best
U let me listen to ur problems
My heart just...
Keeps...
Melting...
<3

Heartbreaking

My crush likes my best friend.
Im... Pretty much in love with my crush.
She doesn't like him...
He doesn't get it.
I text him about anything to get us talking.
I told him to look up the definition of a word, and he connected it back to my best friend.
He breaks my heart every time he mentions her,
But every time I see his name, my heart melts,
Everytime he play fully says "i love you" and even little things like "thanks for being there," stitch my heart back up again.
I dont care if you tell me tomorrow that he never even cared about me.
Just let me have this moment... Just this moment...
Of continuas heartbreak.

Procrastinating, and other things that bother me

I procrastinate.
I procrastinate to a point where I am procrastinating unhealthily. I procrastinate eating, brushing my teeth, sleeping, I procrastinate on so many things.
I wish I could just not procrastinate, but I can't help it.
I wait until the last minute to do homework, to finish projects, to do everything.
I wish I could be homeschooled, because it would just be so much easier for me, and the fact that my school goes way faster than other schools (we have 90 min. classes everyday) I am just so overwhelmed. I wish I could be homeschooled, but I can't. If I was, I could be away from the kids that annoy me and the kids who aren't my friends, but think they are.
I just want to be out of that school. I hate it so much and its causing me so much stress, and I just get so frustrated.
I hate the teachers because they side with my friend who isnt my friend, the only one that doesnt side with her is the teacher who hasnt met her yet. When he meets her he's not gonna think im his favorite student. Or atleast I think I am. I just dont like school. I really really dont.
You know how there are people who have babies because they dont know what else to do with their life? There's nothing better to do so they have kids? Well Im like that in a way where I dont have anything better to do, so chances are in like 6 years im probably going to have a baby. That's my prediction. Just sayin'.

And I've realized no one reads my blog.
I dont really care.
I think it would be better if no one ever did.

Christmas List 2011

(Because I feel like it)
1. Those big ear phone things... Whatever they're called. In blue.
2. Bass guitar strap. Preferably blue.
3. CDs. to be announced.
4.  Grey boots w/blue zipper
5. Tablet-Motorola Xoom
6. Leonardo da Vinci book

I'll add more things when I think of them :3

Anger: Soccer, and friends who love me

My friend kicked me in the leg when we were playing soccer ><
Not fun considering it was P.E. soccer, so we didnt have shin guards... Yeahhh... So u can imagine what happened to my leg when he kicked me: his shoe pulled off a layer or two of skin... Gross, right?
So now my leg hurts and its all shaky and stuff. Lets hope its not infected. Meh :(
Oh and all my friends (who dont really like the one that kicked me) were all defensive and like "do you want me to slap him? I will!!" Makes me feel loved lmao :')
Speaking of friends who love me (random lol)
I figure I'm not going to date until I'm in college. There are no guys I like or would even consider them to be my boyfriend. See, guys like me, and I feel sorry for them(cuz no one likes them...), and I confuse that with me liking them. On a side note, I just saw some guy talking to a lightpost... (im in the car lol) Anyway. And if I date someone from a different school, how do I know that theyre not cheating? -_- yeah, I'm waiting until college...

Its the place we grow up

Where I live, many family physically and mentally (words) abuse their children.
I realize after many years of knowing they were beaten, that it really depends where their parents grew up.
My parents grew up in the western part of the US of A. My friends' parents grew up in the Eastern part. Im not saying AT ALL that every single parent in the east beats their kids. I know for a fact that is not true.
I am now living in the NE part of US of A, and my friends' parents grew up in NE as well. They beat their kids, and my parents do not beat me, do not hurt me at all whatsoever. Does this now mean that I'm going to grow up and beat my kids?
Everyone I know is in some form depressed or suicidal, I find myself happier away from my friends. I find myself happier when I go west over the summer. Everyone is SO nice there.
What makes over there so special?
I have no idea, but I'm going to live there ASAP.

Real friend?

She hits me. She laughs at me. She makes fun of me.
She called me a lesbian, when I'm not. She's called me a fucktard when I said something stupid. Don't we all make mistakes? Some more than others?
I can't exactly avoid her, she's in a large majority of my classes.
I don't feel bad for her, no matter what kind of abuse she's gone through.
She's a bully, an honest to god bully. No one likes her. No one does.
I used to be my favorite teacher's class pet. She stole that from me.
Now, I found my new favorite teacher, my science teacher. I'm worried - no, scared - that when she has this teacher, he'll forget about me, wont joke with me anymore.
She's a bitch. I hate her. I really fucking hate her.
I was considering changing schools, leaving all my friends behind, because of her.
She's made me insecure. She caused my depression. She caused me to hate my own best friend.
I hope she dies. I will not feel sorry for her if she does. I hate her. I hate her.
She
Is
Not
My
Friend

yada yada yada

BLARG
I can't really think
I don't know what to type
This is the third time I've tried to write out something, anything,
that can somehow explain what I'm feeling
Right now
And I really like pressing
the enter button
:D

Back again!

Wow it's been awhile... but no one really reads this, do they? :/
Oh well, it'll just be my own little site for now. :D
Anyway that last post with all the angry faces, I'm not really sure what that was about... but hey, whatever, it's all in the past LOL
SO YEAH
Gonna post at least one blog post a week... so stay tuned! :)

URGHHHHH

I'm writing in blood red colour cuz I'm angry. Can't you tell cuz of my angry face?
>:C
there are some fonts that make the face look angrier... lol
LOOK:
>:C
>:C
>:C
>:C
am i right or am i right?








p.s. randomness make the world go round :3

Stay Beautiful (By Taylor Swift) - Inspired

~You're beautiful
Every little piece, love, don't you know 
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you've looked for 
I hope your life leads you back to my door 
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful~


    It makes me wonder why no one says this, just casually to anyone on the street. It's like, about 14% of people die every year (per 100,000 people) because of suicide. JEEZ, that's a big number, if you think about it. If you see someone who looks like they're having a bad day, or just look overall very sad, open a door for them, or I don't know... DO SOMETHING. Ask them how their day is, say "Good Morning" or whatever. If you are feeling like one of those 14%, then try and think positively for the WHOLE day. 
     You know what I found out? If you think positive thoughts, then you get something you want. It's like karma, but with your own feelings. Say you tried out for a play, don't automatically go for the negative things like, "jeez, I did horrible. I'm such a bad singer... I can't act... I'm not even going to get ensemble!" And start crying over how bad you THINK you did. Think of the things you could have done better, not the things you thought you did horrible at or things you think you can't do. Hey, if you didn't get a part in the play, or whatever, just make sure you do the things right you thought you did wrong last time! :)
     Another thing - some people I know say they're horrible at drawing. No one is truly bad at drawing, or a bad artist. Anyone can draw, and anyone can learn to be an excellent artist! There is this guy who has his whole body paralyzed. He was taught to paint professionally - get this, professionally - with his mouth. I can't express how awesome his painting looked, and I wasn't even looking at it directly. It was an "over the shoulder, side profile, diagonally" taken picture... haha. So I couldn't really see the painting. From what I DID see though, it was really good.
     So take lessons, in drawing, acting or whatever. Anyone can learn to do anything they want. Do you burn water? Take a cooking class. Can you barely draw a circle or a straight line? Take a drawing class or buy a "How to draw" book. Do you think negatively on a daily basis? Just turn that frown upside down! And think positive for once! Minor changes can make a big difference in your life...








      Don't you know you're beautiful today? No, don't think of it negatively, like "so I look ugly every other day?" NO, let me rephrase it. You look beautiful each and every day, I just wanted to let you know, because you don't seem to realise it yet.

Everything has a Place, and Everything is in its Place.

     It has come to my attention that my room is... messy. You never really think of it, pretty much because you're never really in your room too much. Well, of course you're in there to sleep, but if you have school, or a job, or kids, whatever, you realise you don't really spend too much time in you room. If you're wondering right now whether you have a messy room or not, well, go up to your room.
    Yes, right now. Unless of course you're in your room. Well, anyway, getting to the point. Look around your room. Do you see dirty clothes (or in some cases, clean clothes) strewn about your room? What about textbooks, school work, and all sorts of random crud scattered around? Well if you answered yes to any of these questions, then yes, you have a messy room.
    I'm sure that's not all that you have around your room. If you're like me, then you'll have notebooks, yarn, cat toys, cat nip, belts, uniform shirts, art supplies, etc. in you room. Not to mention a HUGE bag of pistachios. Though I never lose anything, as soon as my mom cleans my room, I'm like "WHERE THE HECK IS..." And I can't find anything.
    What can I say?
     Everything has a Place and Everything is in its Place.

~~Eri~~

Quote:

“I'm definitely a messy person... I know where everything is but I just can't organize. I don't make lists and find scripts on the laundry machine, and under my bed, or in the bathroom, kitchen. It's bad, I really need to take control.”

~Katie Holmes